All of our favorite sports leagues have drafts. Hell, the WWE has a draft. The last-ranked teams get first pick on the freshest talent out there. Selected based on statistical data and raw talent, these green athletes are then trained to fit the mold of what’s missing from their respective teams.
So why can’t I have a boyfriend draft?
I imagine it drumming up top talent in the area while being as hilarious as Dave Chapelle’s Racial Draft. Hopefully some talents will be exhibited. Give me a high-top table in the back of Spider Kelly’s or on the Roof of Arlington Rooftop Bar and line the suitors up. They will fill out a paper application outlining their vital statistics: age, height, job status, education, and a section for fun facts followed by a one-on-one presentation and conversation.
1. Must be 6’2″ or taller. I am 5’11”. Any shorter gentlemen need not apply. If I can see the top of your cranium, please step aside. You must be able to both tower over me when I’m wearing heels as well as carry me home when my feet ache from said heels. If I don’t feel smaller than you, it ain’t going down. If you complain that I walk too fast, then find a little lady who moseys.
2. Must have good job. Graduate students may submit an application and present themselves for review, but said application must prove ambition and drive to succeed. A good job and/or education indicates intelligence, and I refuse to be with someone who is not smart. Ideally, you will be smart in the subjects where I fall short. This is what we call balance. I teach you about grammar, literature or pop culture, you teach me about science or politics or something else I’m too disinterested to teach myself. Also, you must watch the news or read a paper on a regular basis.
3. Must work out and/or be in shape. If you are lazy we will not last. I like activities, and I like doing them with my significant other. Athlete in high school or college? Great, tell me more. If you refuse to attempt or are on the brink of passing out after a three mile run with me, hit the gym and call me in a month. If you can do push-ups and clap in between, skip level two and move straight to level three. If you have a subscription to Men’s Health, advance to level two. If you own the abs diet cookbook, jump to level three. Tangentially, you must enjoy cooking, preferably together and healthily. Also, must love to be outside.
4. Must laugh…a lot. I laugh with my whole body. If I’m laughing hard enough, tears are coming out of my eyes while my shoulders shake and I don’t make a sound. If you can’t take a jab every now and then, we are not complementary. If you can dish it out as well as take it, stick around for round two. If you love “30 Rock” or follow Jesus_M_Christ on twitter, congratulations you’ve made it to round two.
5. Must like beer and baseball. Must appreciate them in their primal form: together. If not, please step out of line and move to Canada. If you’re a Yankee fan, advance to level three.
6. Must dress like a contributing member of society. If you still wear skater shoes, hell if you own a skateboard, please kick/push/coast back to your parents’ basement. If you own t-shirts with “catchy/funny/witty/topical” sayings on them, please get out of line and head to Goodwill. If your favorite daily look is cargo shorts and a wifebeater or if you’ve never stepped foot into a Ralph Lauren Polo store, have a nice day. It’s really for your own good. If you wear cowboy boots, advance to level two. If you wear collared shirts under v-neck sweaters with your cowboy boots, congratulations sir you’re at level three. If you rock button-down shirts, untucked with your jeans and brown flip flops, advance to level two. If you wear a uniform to your good job (aka if you’re in the military) advance to level three.
7. Must be respectful. This means respectful to not only me but my friends and family as well. Making comments about my grandmother’s hot neighbor at the Christmas potluck Granny is hosting will not suffice. Telling me to get up and make you a sandwich will result in mustard all over your favorite football T-shirt. I will make you one when I damn well feel like it and if you’re respectful, that will be often. Calling my best friend a dumb bitch because she disagrees with senator so-and-so’s comments on such-and-such bill will earn you…well my parents read this so let’s just say a very unpleasant experience. However, you must find female cursing endearing, because I’m not stopping.
8. Must love dogs. I have one. She’s pretty damn cute. If you’re not an animal lover then not only are you the Tin Man but you are also no longer in the running to be my boyfriend.
9. Must like to dance. You don’t have to want to rage all night, but you must be able to keep up with me. If you think rotating in a circle no matter the tempo of the DJ’s phat beats is a good way to go, stop reliving your middle school days and get some lessons by observing your peers.
Spinning = winning. You must enjoy when I stand up on a bench and produce a literal interpretation of “Party in the USA” If you’re tired of Ke$ha, please go home and enjoy the latest from the “NOW That’s What I Call Music” franchise. If spending the afternoon tailgaiting for a country concert doesn’t sound like a damn good time, reevaluate your priorities. If you don’t ever want to see the Dave Matthews Band in concert, then don’t show your face around me again. If you like to sing in the car, tell me the last song you belted out from the driver’s seat.
10. Must read books. Romance and graphic novels not withstanding. Can we sit in bed together and read our respective books before retiring? If the answer is yes then please tell me what you are currently reading. Advancement determined by your answer.
Please submit applications via one-page typed document. Feel free to bold or highlight traits you find most persuasive. Typos may be overlooked, unless they are repetitive (“a lot” is two words). References are not necessary, but appreciated.
I’m a good time, I’m funny, I’m kind, and most of all I’m loyal. Don’t take advantage of me and I’ll do the same.
Step right up.